Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Familiar

It hurts to see that a familiar number, a number etched deeply in your mind has become an unknown now. Unknown on the surface, unforgettable on the inside.

You know who it is, or should I say, who it was. The number you'll call when you have an emergency, the number you'll call every night to have a small talk. A number that'll appear daily in your life, now, it's gone, forever.

Do I blame the person behind the number? No, I blame myself for my naïveté, for not thinking deep enough to even save that number from the beginning. Some mistakes can be fixed, or it can be molded into a better scenario. Not all has to end nasty, perhaps things can be better if in a parallel dimension, we were both in our straight minds.

Thanks for the previous half a decade, thanks for all the broken promises that made me stronger, thanks for the sweet lies that woke me up, thanks for letting me know what it means to be left alone, truly. The one fear that you knew I had, you allow it to grasp my soul, let it suck the life force out of me. Of all the people, I didn't know it'd be you. Thanks for the beautiful memories, thanks for the goodbye.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Growing up.

I miss the blissful days that I let slip through my fingers, where sorrow and woes are all about that box of crayons your parents refused to buy for you. Where tears fall because your parents reprimanded you for incomplete homework, and sadness comes from that teddy bear you left at the hotel room far far away.

Life is nothing but a rollercoaster ride, full of ups and downs and sometimes a little boring. Currently I am going through a phase of transition, from being a whiny, annoying brat who thinks she knows everything about the world, into an...adult, yes.

Growing up has always been a dream, something I yearned for so so much when I was younger, because when I'm old enough I thought I can buy all the toys and crayons I wanted. Silly me.
Growing up became a nightmare now, I want to run away from it, but I can't.

Growing up is worrying about the future and neglecting the present. Growing up is remembering your own parking lot number. Growing up is pretending you are okay all the time. Growing up...sucks. Seriously, what was I thinking when I wanted nothing but to grow up and leave this house, leave this place, travel the world, be a doctor/engineer/lawyer/singer.

It's no longer about that hot male actor that broke your heart because you realized you cannot marry him. It's about choosing the right person that you'd have to live with the rest of your life. It's forgetting all the criteria that you set up when you were 14, and facing the reality that the guy you're gonna marry is nowhere near what you wanted. You'll say, I'll settle if he's nice, doesn't matter whether he's tall or short, hot or not. Because you're afraid of loneliness, because growing up means losing genuine people, be it good or evil. You'll have to put your defenses up now, because there are so many devils disguised as angels roaming around, so ready to bring you down. You start thinking if any of your friends are even worth your time. And then you push everyone away because you're hurt countless times and you're so fed up with life. Such a tragic process. Be optimistic, they always say when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. How often does life treats you nicely and gives you something. If life were to give you lemons, it'd throw it on your face so hard until it's disfigured, and it's probably rotten. I'm a realist, sometimes pessimistic, but its never bad to be protective of yourself.

I want to go back, to those stress free days where trouble means who to write as your best friend in that biography book. Not now, where one wrong decision would mean a disastrous life, where it's not about what you want or like, reality decides for you.

Take me back to my childish self, at least she'd know what to expect when she grows up.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Gratitude.

As I grow older I realise that I tend to neglect the things that matters the most to me, drowned in an endless pursuit towards realism and materialism. I ignore the feelings of people that care for me to impress those who doesn't bother. I try so hard to achieve success in whatever I do, but what for? All I want is to show it to the people I love, so that a proud smile will be etched on their faces, but in the process I realize my actions made the faces I want to be seen happy is growing old and frail.

My parents are the 2 people who cared for me the most, yes they might be annoying at times. Who isn't annoying at all? At least I know they'd stand by my side despite all my wrongdoings, but I feel like I have not done the same for them. They'll nag me if I accidentally hurt myself, whilst worrying about me being in too much pain. Did I do the same for them? I guess it's better late than never.

Some people think that their aging parents are a nuisance. Nothing more than a burden as they grow older. Have you not thought of you being a burden for them for umpteen years and yet they never complained, and took care of you, showered you with love and care while you're in your little capsule of ignorance. Now all they want is a fraction of attention they gave you while you were younger, and you cannot be bothered to give any without complaining. Why?

Why do I listen to everything my parents say? Be rebellious they said. Do what you think is right, they said. Stop living in your cage, they said. I don't care what they say, I want to stay in this cage as long as I can, I want my parents to shower me with love for as long as they can, I want to stay with them. I don't want to be truly free, I can go out and do things, but I want to know that I can go home. Home, to my family, my parents. I wouldn't rebel, I wouldn't lie just to go somewhere. I just don't if they disapprove. Because there's always a reason why they're so protective, it's a dangerous world out there. I can survive, I choose not to leave.

I am so grateful for my parents, they pampered me enough to feel loved but not spoiled. I don't mind staying in this 'cage' you people see. This cage is my home, and I am nothing but thankful to be blessed with this 'cage' full of love. I can still see what's outside here, I can still see the beauty without having to face the dangers. I am happy with what I have, I don't want to pursue freedom. I love being here.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Incomplete.

I believe we were all born incomplete, some more, some less. In order to feel whole again, we will have to find someone else that, with their presence, you feel happy. Truly happy.

Happiness is brief, as life is nothing but an emotional rollercoaster ride. Without the presence of that special person, you'll feel half of a whole, empty, yet filled to a certain extent. 

That person, is your soulmate. Someone who understands you when you feel down, someone who knows your favourites, someone who comforts you when no one else is there for you. He/she will know you're sad when you have a small frown, will sit beside you for however long you stayed silent due to unhappiness, will make you feel that your existence is not a void.

It doesn't necessarily have to be your lover, it can be a friend. However, friendship is impermanent, it is not guaranteed that it'll last an eternity. So is love, and every other kind of relationship out there, it is all temporary. We can never be truly happy. For happiness means satisfaction, and satisfaction is nothing but an obstruction to improvement. 

What if, no one understands you even a bit. When being in a group feels more blood-curdling than being alone, because when you start a conversation and no one replies. The silence is deafening, the awkwardness stabs you hard. The inability to connect with others is paralysing to my social life, the fear of rejection, the phobia of being mediocre in everything I do. 

I see too many times that my expectations backfired at me, bombarding me with arrows of disappointment. When the shelter I thought I could hide in, the arms I thought would hold me, the lips I thought would speak to comfort me, all left me alone. I have nowhere to go, when everyone else has their own destiny, their dreams to pursue. I am left wondering what my future holds, what awaits me. 

Is it still worth it, hoping someone that can read my emotions will cross paths with me, and fix my broken sanity.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Little things.

Take some time out of your busy schedule, out of your hectic, stressful life. Just look, look around you. Notice the little things, things your overcrowded mind would not have informed you about.

Little things like:
Your parent's grey hair
Your pet getting quieter day by day
The amount of dust on your bookshelf
Your messy closet
Old pictures from the photo booth
To-do list you've made years ago
Tiny notes written to or from a friend
Dictionary of your secret language with a friend

Because when you stop and a take a step back, look into all these little things, you'll see what you are now, and who've you grown into. It'll remind you of bits and pieces of your life, those memorable things that has been hidden deep inside your mind. Overshadowed by the unnecessary stressful thoughts.

When you notice these little things, maybe you'll appreciate more. Maybe you'll find yourself again, or maybe you're thankful that you left all those behind. But remember, all these are why you are what you are now, don't just ignore them. Because they're a big part of your life, a part of your soul. The soul, I believe is an empty shell in the beginning of your existence, and it fills up as you grow, as you accumulate experiences, and death occurs when you finally filled up everything. Perhaps, perhaps not.

Don't lose these things, for they're a part of your soul. Don't let yourself be void of feelings, just stop chasing nothingness, and start realizing the purpose of your existence.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Fear.

In life we are constantly living in fear, fear of failing, fear of losing, fear of trying... Although in the end we ourselves play the role of the scriptwriter, director and actor of the drama that is life, certain people chose to give up midway, or some just had their life cut off abruptly without a sign. 

When will we stop being scared? When am I gonna stop being scared? This feeling is overwhelming, eating into my very bones and soul. With every fearful moment, I lose a small part of myself, I am becoming a stranger to my very own heart. I am becoming a new entity, an evil one of course. I feel that I'm losing control on my thoughts, for everytime my anger is triggered, my mind goes crazy.

I hope better days are ahead of me, one day I will feel happy with whatever I have. One day.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Everyone, but me.

I try hard to fit in, because being totally yourself isn't okay in this world. That's reality, like it or not.
I tell myself to change whatever it takes to be welcomed in the society, but please keep some remnants of my true self.
However, it appears that my true self cannot be shown at all in order to be accepted. (who wants to be isolated to be yourself? Would you?)
I make sacrifices all the time, against my own will, to please others, in hopes that one day the good deeds I've done even though I'm clearly too selfish to do anything if I were to be really myself.
But no. No one cares.
How many times do I have to do these things to actually exist?
How many remembered?
They say you shouldn't do things and expect someone else's gratitude.(The reason I have not broke down mentally)
I try to do good, I try to make other people happy, I try to fulfill what others wanted.
When will other people notice that I want to be pleased too?
When will other people see that I want to be treated nicely too?
When will anyone notice that I have emotions to be expressed?

Would anyone willingly be the shoulder for me to cry on?
Would anyone offer their hand without me begging?

Because I would, I would do all these.
I have not lost hope.
One day I would find where I belong, a place where I feel warm and welcomed. A reason to smile when I wake up. A reason never to cry myself to sleep again.
I believe I will find it one day, because all that happens now is a challenge to make me stronger.
Perhaps I'd find it soon, or evolving into someone cold and heartless.

I don't want to, I really don't.
Please be kind enough to maintain my sanity for me, remind me of the many reasons to feel.